Monday, January 19, 2009

Breaking News!!! Part 1

I was bored and worse I was watching the news channels. That's when inspiration struck me.. and the result is below. I can assure everyone and anyone concerned, that the characters here have little or no resemblance to any living or dead person or animal. Even if there is one, its purely co-incidental. Actually my dear, I would give a damn, if it did resemble anyone. So here is the estory :p

Breaking News- Part 1
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The bahu rani of the Machhan household Ishwarya Bai Machhan denied that she was pregnant. She explained that the ever bulging tummy was because of the water diet that she was following in recent months. Her statement read thus "There has been a lot of speculation in the media about me being pregnant. Let me confirm to you that I am not pregnant. Camera's have been consistently and repeatedly pointed at my ever growing tummy which has fueled the speculation further. I would like to clarify that I have gone on a water diet in preparation for my role as Tun Tun in an upcoming movie".

The diet is being administered under the careful and watchful eyes of my Gynecologist Dr.Lielita(pronounced Lylita). The happiest day of my life will be the day when I will be pregnant. Every woman looks forward to motherhood and I am no different. Let the speculation rest.Thank you"

Had me thinking. What does a gynecologist has to do with administering a water diet. Besides why administer the diet up there.... or was it down there.. Beats my knowledge. Strange are the ways of these super glam women.

4 weeks passed since Ishwarya Bai issued her statement. It was a Tuesday morning. The news anchor was trying his best to stay awake while he delivered some news. Same case across the channels. I stopped at Thimes Bow. The chief anchor, Ernab Mooswami was stammering as usual. Suddenly he seem to perk up.. He interrupted the panel discussion by saying "We seem to have an important breaking news. Please remember we are the first ones to break this news. We will provide you updates every hour by the hour on this important new development. Please stay with us, while we take a break."

I continued watching...

Ernab returned...

Ernab: "Yes, Sanjana, tell us about this important breaking news"

Sanjana(reporter): "Ernab, in an important development today, we just heard that Ishwarya Bai, the bahu of the Machhan household has been admitted to hospital. While no reasons are being given by the first family , it is widely speculated that she tried committing suicide. The reasons for committing suicide are also not known. However one more unconfirmed theory doing the rounds is that Ishwarya is pregnant and has been taken to the hospital for delivering the baby"

Ernab: "Thanks Sanjana, viewers, thats the days breaking news, Ishwarya Bai has been admitted to the hospital for reasons unknown. It must be remembered that Thimes Bow had first broken the news that Ishwarya was pregnant 3 months back. Infact our team is searching for pictures of Ishwarya with that bump and ofcourse the unmistakable glow on her face...We will show you those pictures in a few seconds from now.."

I switched channels to KNN-BNN

It was rather odd that Jaideep Pardesai should be on air, if he was then the news must have been really important. I listened to him

Jaideep: Ishwarya Bai Machhan has been admitted to the hospital today for unknown conditions. For those who joined us now, that is the latest breaking news.
The reason for the admission are not known but we will keep you you updated as the news unfolds. In the mean while we have a panel of experts to discuss the matter on hand. We have with us, a known friend of the Machhan family, welcome Shri Umar Singh. Then we have a well known Movie Director , Hamesh Butt and well known writer of Modern Indian Novels(read that as soft porn) Gobha De.

Umar Singhji, you have known the Machhan family for so long, what could be the reason for the Ishwarya's admission. It is said nothing happens in the Macchan family without your blessings and knowledge. So what is the scoop Umarji ?

Umar: I agree that nothing happens in Machhan family without my knowledge. I dont know anything about it as I left their home at around 4 am and now the time is 10.30. A lot can happen in the time that has gone by. So let us wait for some news from Imithab Machhan himself.

Jaideep: Thanks Umarji for your answer, diplomatic though. We will now go over to Imithab Macchan's house where our reporter, Mohit is waiting with some news.. Mohit, what do you have for us ?

Mohit: thanks Jaideep, Imithab Machhan is expected to address the media shortly about this issue. The tension is very much palpable in the household and there has been a lot of visitors, film fraternity coming in... though everyone is tightlipped about why Ishwarya Bai is in the hospital. Ok! Imithab is just walking out of Salsa, the Machhan's bunglow to address the media. I shall catch the live telecast for you..

There is a lot of commotion at the venue. In the mean time Jaideep mutters: The entire media is out there waiting with bated breath for a few words from Imithab. Watch it live on KNN-BNN only.

I switched to BDTV. It was Sikram Bandra who was on air.

Sikram: Our team is right outside the Salsa gate as we bring you live pictures of the Imithab's address to the media. Harka Butt is out there bringing you the news as it happens. Harka, what do you have for us.

Harka is panting big time, almost as if she was having a nervous breakdown. In an excited emotional voice she started "Sikram, it is a big crowd out here at the Salsa, the Machhan family;s bungalow. There is a sea of humanity out here with everyone curious to know what has happened to the darling of India, Ishwarya Bai".

At that time Imithab Macchan makes a dignified entrance, steps upto the media. A flurry of questions shot out towards Macchan like bullets fired from a machine gun.

In his baritone voice Machhan started speaking : "I will not be answering any questions but I have come here to tell the media about an important development in our family", lifts his left hand up to quieten the crowd. Silence reigns still. Imithab continues "My son Ibhishake Machhan recently told me that he and Ishwarya Bai have decided to have a child and that they have been making progress on the same. Yesterday evening, he told me that Ishwarya Bai was 9 months pregnant and was due anytime. He also said that he dint want to tell us earlier as he wanted to give us a big surprise. In the mean time Ishwarya started having labour pains and we have rushed her to the hospital. We expect the delivery anytime. Thank you". He starts walking back to the house ignoring the ever increasing number of questions thrown at him.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mujhe Chand Chahiye : Moon for sale

Chand Ka Tukda
Mujhe Chand Chahiye

Well for all those romantic moon lovers, here is some good news. You can buy land right up there in the moon. Right between those craters, rocks and mountains. If you are lucky, you might even get a piece of land right next to Neil Armstrong;s footprint or maybe right next to the flag.

The prices are dirt cheap too. An acre of land will cost Rs.1000 only. With that amount , on heavenly earth you cant even dig your own grave, so it is better that you invest the amount in buying an acre of land on the moon.

You can buy the land from www.lunarembassy.com, www.lunarregistry.com and www.moonshop.com. They will be more than glad to sell you that acre of land.

But me thinks that the real estate mafia should all be put up on a rocket to the moon. I am sure they will jack up prices to such an extent that no one would buy even an inch of land and soon they would bring those prices to acceptable levels i,e 1000 rupees per acre.

So go ahead, buy that acre of land and build your dream house there. The only condition, no mooning allowed :D